rosecoloredfog

why is tennessee so GAY.


i want to get the fuck OUT OF HERE!

after letting you back in, back into my life, back into my heart, ill be damned if you don't go and screw it up. as if i was already emotionally numb and confused, you made these feelings more significant. the first time we dated should have worked. i didn't even have any baggage from Benny; everything was released and let go, and i was ready to give you everything-and i did. what did i get in return? you lying to me and pushing me away. you kept me an option as you were my priority, and you didn't know what to do with me as everything seemed more important to you. we crumbled and fell apart, and surprisingly it really got to me. after you, i didn't care about dating anyone; it just seemed pointless. of course i still dated and talked to other guys, but i couldn't feel anything for anyone. i became romantically numb. then it hit you, when you kept seeing me, realizing what you didn't have. you came back to me, realizing what a mistake you made, and apologized profusely. i poured my heart out to you, really letting you know that i could have given you the world, i was just waiting on you to make that step. "love" was on the tip of my tongue, but my head wouldn't let it be. knowing that you meant well and hoped that you would see it through, i let you back in, but what a fool i was to do so. you have not changed, and here i am, the one to blame. you have continued to prioritize things over me that include clubbing and other girls, and point the finger at me for "playing games". you have no proof that i am playing games because there are no games to be played. get mad at me for not texting you saturday night and sunday morning and assume things. who was the one that pointed our communication sucked? ME. who is the one that barely talks to the other? that was you. so when i did the same, i was up to something. you assume things and have no proof, where i have proof of girls spending the weekend with you and you making their weekend. i am 19 going on 20, so please, do me a favor and find me guilty for something that i can be guilty for, not yourself. just because you found someone else and it makes you question your feelings doesn't mean it's fair to put it on me. you were just waiting to find an excuse to test things with me, and end things because of the girls you met this weekend, but that's fine. you forget that we weren't in a relationship, so though you think you did the mighty male thing to be all "yeaa girl you playing games" and end things with me, you're the one who looks stupid because you have no proof and the girl you find more interesting has an STD. just admit it, you don't know what you want. Your ex screwed you over and you're still haunted by that and you're just trying to find a girl to fill that void, but at the same time wanting to be a "player" because you're trying to make her jealous. You say i "hurt you badly", but really you make everything out to how you want to see it, and not how it is. i don't blame your ex for cheating on you, because look how you are. i thank you for doing me wrong, because you've made me hate everything that crosses my path with a dick, which is how it needs to be. i need to stay focused and remember i have a destination to be at and a goal to reach, and all of the mistakes i have encountered and keep encountering keep distracting me. so thank you, because i probably would have made another dumbass mistake in my life and stayed home for another asshole, just like i did to begin with for Michael.

"after all the fights and lies you probably think that i despise you, but you're wrong. because if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, i wouldn't know just how capable i am to pull through. so i wanna say thank you, because it makes me that much stronger, work a little bit harder, that much wiser, learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, that much smarter-->so thanks for making me a fighter."

i'm coming for you. i'll get there one day Dream, just wait.

when i close my eyes,
i see you looking at me, and trying to hold back smiling. it's been 6 months since we've seen each other, and just as long since we've spoken directly to one another. you're holding my hand, just like you did the night we met. you're not letting go, as you're shaking your head "yes" indefinitely to me asking if you'll be at CJ's later in the night.

when i close my eyes,
i see you when you were about to part from me stopping you the next night when we were downtown. i felt the world stop, and it seemed as if you did too, as we both just stood there and looked at each other, like "wow...i can still feel it., holding each others hands like the night before.

when i close my eyes,
i can feel my head against your white t-shirt on your chest, with your arms around me holding me tight, running your hands through my hair. you didn't want anything to bother us this summer, and it was the last time i saw you.

when i open my eyes,
i take a deep breath and tell myself to stop thinking of you.

when i open my eyes,
tears stroll down my face. realization sets in that you're gone and in the past.

when i open my eyes,
i see the reality that i live in, walking with my eyes closed.

my eyes are glued shut because you're all i want to see, and if that's the closest i can be to it, then i'll stay within touching distance.

 I've been dating someone new for the past...month I believe. His name is Benny. He's a freshman and running back at MTSU. I met him through a group of friends, and when they introduced me to him they all told me, "He's so much like Michael!" repeatedly. He is in some ways, such as the football position, their outgoing nature, how they play as everything's a game, etc. but they are very much different people as well. I really like him. We're kiiiind of on and off, being that we were on, stopped talking, and now we're on, but as far as what happened earlier we may just be off again. 

Kristin's been involved with his best friend Stacey, who has a girlfriend. He doesn't  lie about her but he's not open about his girlfriend either. Yesterday Benny and I were texting off and on when out of the blue he tells me, "I'm crazy ya know that right," I don't really know how to respond to that text. I end up saying, "lol no I was unaware". He then responds with "Well I'm really crazy and am outgoing and have the mindstate that I only live once." Immediately I'm like "ok something happened." I think hes about to tell me that he doesn't want to make us any serious than what we are or something along those lines. So my response was "Well I definitely do know that you're VERY outgoing. Everyone needs to live like that bc everyone would stop taking things for granted." In the midst of this conversation, Kristin text me saying "Stacey just asked if I would have an orgy with you and Benny and Stacey lmao" so putting two and two together, I make sense of the random text. Benny's responded by saying "soooo" and I told him hat was really random. He said that him and Stacey had a dream. I asked if it was a literal dream or was they just talking, and he said talking. I told him I was already informed of the "orgy" and he said he "really thinks we should do it." I told him to forget about it and he said "lol noooo". I pause for a minute and take myself out of the situation. I question how I should really respond, because Lord knows I want to go OFF but I'm not sure if this is him just being stupid. i sat there thinking, "i can laugh this off, because this is kind of funny, but if i do and he's serious, he's going to think i'm serious and just hesitating. what makes him think i'd do it anyway?" i decided to be mad. i responded to him saying, "what would make you think i'd even wanna do that? that's so whore ish that's like running a train." he said "why you see it like that...i didn't want to like come off wrong with it i'm sorry for bringing it up." i took that as him saying "why wouldn't you not want to do that?" so i responded saying, "because it is you didn't ask for my opinion you just assume I would like I'm just easy or something, why would you want to share this? I'd think this was good enough for you and you wouldn't want anyone else to have it or want anything more but I guess not. I can't just be passed on like some piece of trash." Apparently I went too far. "Wow your really taking this too far. It wasn't like that. It was something that took a lot to ask my fauly for being open won't happen again." That made me feel bad because I appreciate him being open, but does he not realize we just became on again after not talking for two weeks or so. That's really soon to be asking something of me like that especially when we're not together! I answered, "How am I supposed to know it's through text I'm sitting here thinking you're serious I mean what else am I supposed to think? I want you to be open with me and there's different things I wanna do too. I do want you to be open with me I just didn't know how else to take it." "I'm done talking about it my fault. Sorry once again enjoy your day." I asked him not to be like that, and tried to call him once I got out of class but his phone was off. My first thought was that he was mad and he went to take a nap to get over it. I knew he had practice, but it was 2 and I figured that was pretty early for practice. I went on for the rest of the day thinking he was mad and came up with a game plan: the last time we hung out before we fell off again I had cooked for our friends. I bought a pack of Zebra gum and someone took it. When I went over to his place afterwards, I found it on his dresser. Every time we're together he always asks me for gum so I decided I was going to buy him TONS of gum, a card, put it in a bag and bring it to him. before i got off, he text me. i apologized for going off on him to the extent i did, but that I had my reasons. I told him we could talk about it more if he let me come over. He said he was going to be home around 12, so that's when I came over. I arrived, and he flowered me with hugs and kisses and held me, and it surprised me because I thought he was mad. Come to find out he was never mad, he did have practice, and he never meant it in the manner I took it. All was well.

Until today. I'm sitting in the library and he text me saying, "Man I been thinking about it." It? Yea it's what you think. Last night I told him I wouldn't do anything with him like that until I built up trust with him. There will be NO sexual experiencing what so ever unless I am confident he's not going anywhere. So I reminded him of that and he told me that he couldn't wait. So my response is that if he wants it bad enough, he will wait, otherwise he can go find someone who won't wait. What's his decision? He's going to find someone who won't wait.

What a kick in the ass. I just don't understand what is so damn important about sex that interrupts the ability to appreciate a good woman. 

 sometimes i think about you. i wonder how you are, wonder if you're still the same, and how it would be if we were still friends. sometimes i miss it, but then i realize that people change and it doesn't matter because it wouldn't be the same anyway. i appreciate the memories you've given me, because i do cherish them. i wish there was still memories left to be made, because you were such an awesome person, but notice the keyword: were. shit happens i guess.

i just don't know how i feel about you. at moments i miss you and want to work harder at our relationship and sometimes im mad that you're with that insecure, selfish bitch and could care less if we're good friends or not. i feel like you chose her over everyone around you, but maybe that's just because i'm jealous youre happy and im not. maybe im just jealous its her and not me. i dont know, but either way i love you. always will.

going along with the people change theme, we've definitely been given room to grow because of our distance and sometimes i wonder what keeps us going. is it because we feel like we have to or is it because we really have that good of a relationship? we're so different and to be honest, sometimes i just want to get you far, far away from me and make you stay there, but what's a ying without the yang? i feel like maybe we were sent to each other to give each other the other perspective, because there's two sides to everything. it's just hard to see that sometimes with you. i feel like i give more than you feed out, but you'd say the same thing because you feel that way about everything. i guess i should just face that i'll never buck up to you. it's just not worth it because it'll end ugly and i rather say nothing and be there for you than say something and always have you feel like youre walking on egg shells. funny how well i know you.

i never ever ever ever ever ever thought we'd be where we're at. we're not all that close, but we have hung out. we text and talk. i hated your ever living guts and wanted you to burn in hell, but now i'm really glad that you exist in my life. every time we're around one another and you leave people always say, "you still love him don't you?" i guess you still light me up, and you probably always will. i want the best for you out of life, and i plan on being there to hear the stories. 

i guess i'm in another transition in life because here i am, trying to get over you. again. i cant keep up with how many times i've said that, but i guess its official. youve made me act in ways ive never known i could be, youve made me do things ive never done, and youve definitely made me feel ways ive never felt before. i'm not ready to get rid of all these things, but i guess i better wake up, as painful as it seems. ive literally prayed that we'll one day be together again...but honestly its not going to happen, especially if i go on to SC. i just love you so much. you'll never know.

i wish i would have never lost contact with you. you were the only person i had for a while when i was going through a really tough part in my life. i guess it was a mutual drift off, because we both became busy with things, but i look at you now and wish we were still friends. i dont even know who you are as a person. :\

the end.

So this summer, though it isn't even over yet, has been filled with definite learning experiences with relationships-both dating and friendships, but more so dating.

I'm a very strong willed person. If I believe in something, it takes a lot for me to break that belief if it ever breaks. I stick to my values and don't really sway with the crowd. What I do, though, is give people the benefit of the doubt. Ill come to conclusions on my own terms about things and set how I want things for myself, and all it takes is someone with enormous faults to come and screw it up for me.
For example, after the whole incident with the most recent Michael, I came to the conclusion I strictly did not want to give myself away to anyone in any form until I was in a fully committed relationship with them. Then I met Dez. I told him my thoughts and feelings on not doing anything with him until we were together and the first night I spend with him what do you know, I made excuses for him because it was his birthday and because of our distance and forgot everything I set out for myself.
This is nothing new-making excuses for people/situations because you want to believe the best. Something inside of me clicked though and after Dez I haven't done that for anyone. Its like I just needed that one last mistake and that's all it took.
I dated this one guy this summer for about a month (actually little less). He is probably one of the most attractive guys I have dated to date. He had a lot qualities I liked about him and on the surface seemed like a cool person. It didn't take long for sex to become an issue because I wasn't putting out, and even after we stopped dating and became friends he was still pressuring me to "be fun". He couldn't tell me anything I hadn't already heard and to this day I have not given in, in any form.

About a little over a month later I meet this really cute guy whom I go on a date with and start talking to on a daily basis. He's not really my type because he's younger, but everything else about him is cool so I lay the age factor to the side. We have the same views on dating (nothing serious, just wanna have fun) and we always have good conversation. He's made it very apparent to me that he's a virgin and there's no changing that, which leads me to believe I can have a good time with him without the pressures of sex. Give it a couple of days, and he's texting me while he's in bed asking me if I'd help him with his "problem"-problem being he's horny. I have only gone on one date with him and really been talking to him for eh, a good two weeks up to that point. I kindly declined, expressed my views and called it a night.

I'm sorry but what happened to respect? I thank God for letting whatever clicked in my head to click and activate the notation that you can't make an excuse for someone that has no respect for you. Who does guy number get off thinking he is wanting to use me? And who does guy number two think he is for asking that a)being what I think is safe to call a deceiving hypocrite and b)not even knowing barely who I am as a person. If you can't tell me my favorite color, tell me where I'm from, tell me what city my heart belongs to and know that none of the answers to these questions really matter its just the fact that I like "the little things", then I REALLY don't think you deserve any notion of my body. Sorry.

Maybe I'm just having an epiphany. I've always known people use one another for different things, but I guess it just wasn't until I started really standing up for what I believe in that it hit me. On the other hand it feels REALLY good to know what I want/dont want and not letting anyone get in the way.

On a lighter note, and different subject, I just wanted to say that I don't believe anyone can ever understand how much they mean to another person. I don't believe that we can ever judge from a person the impact they'll leave on our lives and how much they'll mean to us. There's someone who is good friend of mine and I never really expected us to become this close and the fact that we are and the fact that she calls upon me for little things and other stuff just makes me so happy to know her as a person. I'm really glad she's in my life and that I can call her a friend. You never know who God's going to bless you with on a day to day basis, and what little surprises he has in store for you.

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there's two points in the year that really bother me-May and August. May is my bad luck month (just read the entries from May of this year). August is reality month. Everyone leaves, school starts, and I'm left alone. Now literally I'm not left alone but it sure does feel like it sometimes. Last August was when it started and this August, already 8 days in, doesn't seem to great. 

Last year was really bad, because everyone, and I mean everyone left besides Caitlin, but because Caitlin was hitting the hard part of her major, I barely got to see her. this year isn't so bad, because Caitlin's not as wrapped up, Kristin's transfered back here, and I've reconnected a lot of the connections I have here in Nashville (and made new ones), but I guess because I know it's coming is why I'm so emotional even though it hasn't hit yet. Plus, the deeper connections I have made this summer, already has a short in the fuse so it's making it difficult. I don't know if I'm even making sense. this just really sucks. Instead of having seasonal depression I have end-of-summer depression. this sucks. everyone says "aw its ok i'll be back during ___ break" or "you should come up and visit!" or "we'll have to hang out once a month" but none of it happens. been there, heard it all. grown up world, or whatever world im in, sucks.

it occurred to me at once that love could be a great illusion that makes fools of brilliant thinkers everyday and turn hearts of stone and steel to a place where they would feel like they are falling quickly in its way.
is it any surprise that you feel so overrun? and all this time you had no one to tell you how to love, and do you think it's wise to go and break yourself on this one? and all this time you didn't know love.
it occurred to me at once that love gets everything it asks for like a young girl picking flowers in the lawn. she gets every kiss and tear. She gets every smile and fear, but still she never finds the last of them is gone.

you know, though things get rough, it's the rough times that teach me how to live and appreciate life, and for that, i am thankful for everything and everyone, good and bad.

 call me emotional, but I find it scary to have been single for a year. I think it's pathetic that our society puts pressure on people to have a significant other. i probably could have enjoyed this time by myself much more if i didn't always feel like i needed to have someone there. you know, how are you supposed to mature and grow as an individual if you don't have alone time? how are you supposed to know who you are and what you want in life if there's someone else to interrupt your focus? kudos to those who have found that other, but to the ones that haven't, it's going to be okay. i just wish everyone knew that. 

month of may:
1.)break in x's 3
2.)virus
3.)grandfather died
4.)found out Michael slept with another girl && lied to me about it

Thankfully, it's over. On to details.

My grandfather died the Friday before last. My mom has taken it extremely hard and gone into severe depression, but has gotten better these past two days. This whole situation has been a mess. It makes me sad to say I officially only have one set of grandparents left. I feel really sad talking about it, because it makes me scared to think my Nana && Nanapop (grandmother & step-grandfather) won't be around to see me get married, since my Papa's not here. Death really makes you think. It really does.

"As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on-in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nutured while you were here."-Morrie Schwartz

I was at work one day this weekend talking to one of my employees about dating in general. she uttered Michael's last name, and because his last name is so rare, I asked "Who are you talking about?" because I wasn't listening fully. She said Michael's name. First name, last name. I asked how she knew him, and she said he just looks at her as a piece of ass. I asked, "Y'all fuck?" and she said yes. They had this past Wednesday. The last time I talked to him was Thursday, coming home from Chattanooga. I hadn't seen him in about two weeks, and it all made sense. It all hit me at once. I was being lied to and played. Because Michael and i have been sexually active, we told one and other we'd tell each other when the other was sexually active with another person. Right here in front of my face was someone who he had lied to me about, and had sex with while was still having sexual activity with me. She had met him two weeks prior to him and I last seeing one another, and had sex with him before then too. Then we had sex, and a couple weeks later he had sex with her. Not only that, but from everyone else's mouth, she gets around. I have heard this from at least five different people. I confronted him and he lied about it, even though i saw the text messages he sent her. I'm disgusted and overly furious. I'm not hurt anymore, and I'm definitely not sad. I'm glad I'm able to finally let him go, because I will not let anyone do this to me. It just hurts it had to come to this.

"So go ahead and get gone. Call up that chick and see if she's home. Oops I bet you thought that I didn't know. What did you think I was putting you out for? You was untrue, rolling her around in the car that I bought you. Baby drop them keys. Hurry up before your taxi leaves. Standing in the front yard telling me how I'm such a fool, talking about how I'll never find a man like you. You got me twisted. You must not know about me, because I can have another you in a minute, and don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable."-Beyonce

 since I was 15, May has always been my bad luck month. when I was 15, on Mother's Day I wrecked my mom's car into a tree in our front yard. when I was 16, my step-grandfather was put in the hospital and I was caught by the police having sex at a local park. 17 was a blur, and last year my mom walked in on Michael and I having sex. call it what you want, but i find this more than a coincidence. 
last week it hit me, "May is coming." I hadn't even thought about it, and when i did, i didn't feel much emphasis on the thought. i decided to just forget about the wrath of May. maybe it was all in my head?
this morning my mom called me while i was in bed and asked if i had a gas can, or had anyone over who had a gas can. i told her i didn't and she began to tell me there was a gas can and flashlight left outside the house. i shrugged it off, remembering i had seen my landlord's vehicle the other day and figured it was there. i got up later and went to leave to go to my grandparents, when i opened my car door and noticed one of my workout shoes was on my driver's seat. i looked above to the passenger seat and noticed my purse had been emptied out all over the car. the bag i had from the apple store, which was in the backseat, was now in the front seat, and everything that was in the bag had been thrown around in the backseat. the snow brush i kept in my car to get the ice off the windshield was pried between my glove compartment because i keep it locked and apparently someone tried to break it open. my car had officially been robbed. my drivers license, BRAND NEW digital camera, iPod charger/player, money, and debit card was all stolen. 
i can't get 3 days into may without something happening. FUCK MAY!

"love is lowering your ego boundaries. love is not believing someone's going to hurt you. it all begins with accepting ourselves."-steve from vh1's "tough love"

 looking back on my last entry, i realize that i have serious issues when im PMSing! It really crazy to see how extravagant my mood swings are during the two week period of during and after my period. even though it wasn't just my premenstrual cycle that was causing me to react that way, it helped trigger it. i am much better now and not so much saddened by the situation with Michael. we actually spent time together before he left. though he's ignoring me now, you never know what will happen next.

i'm tired of talking about Michael all the time. we're not even together and haven't been since July of last year. it sucks realizing you have to build on your inner strength because, once again, what you thought was right was wrong and you have to start this game all over again from square one. 

"the pain is deep. a silent sleeper you won't hear a peep. the girl he wants don't seem to want him too. the feelings she had are through."

on a lighter note, i hung out with this guy named Shane last night. he's really not just a "guy", because we've gone to middle school and graduated high school together, and now attend the same college. i had a good time with him just chilling at my house and watching a movie. We talked more than we really watched the movie, and i really liked that. i hope we hang out again.

the Dave Matthews Band concert with Jason Mraz is this weekend, and I'm very excited! I like some of DMB's stuff, but I'm not all crazy about them like normal DMB fans. I'm more excited for the experience and the show itself, because DMB is like Coldplay and U2; you want to see them live at LEAST once because it's like any other show you'll experience. so i am very pumped!

 i can't concentrate on anything. i'm short of breath. my stomach is in a knot. my chest and neck hurts. all i want to do is sleep to not feel the way i do.

i thought this time with Michael would be different. i think it every time. i put myself into these situations and it plays psychological games with me. i don't know how much longer i can take any of this before something happens. and it is all my fault.

i don't know what it is about him that keeps me magnetized to him. i don't know why i can't break away from him. i don't love him anymore but it's like i can't fall out of love with the idea of him. i don't understand why i can't feel the way he does. why do i keep doing this to myself?

every time i get a text, i check it quickly just hoping it will be him. i'm constantly on facebook just to check his status. when he's in town, every time i see a Jeep i stare at it to see if it's him. maybe he's right; maybe i am crazy.

it's been an entire year and I can't date anyone. no matter how many dates I go on,  no matter what I do with a person i can only see Michael in everyone (minus Boom). It's not fair. I want to be able to ignore his text and not think twice about it. I want to be able to talk to other guys like he's talking to other girls. I want it to just be "whatever" and have other things, the actual important things, be a priority. I never knew I was so weak until now.

I have been PMSing for the past two weeks  now because last week I was on my period. I have severe mood swings. They have gotten extremely worse over this past year to the point where I become suicidal every time I'm PMSing. I keep telling myself I need to look into seeing a therapist, not just because of that but because I want to see one period, but I haven't gotten around to it. When Michael and I were together, those mood swings always created arguments because I become more emotional about issues and he couldn't stand it. This time, it did the same thing.
Michael and I are still sexually active. He is talking to another girl ironically named Jessica. Because of this, it has made me contemplated not having sex with him anymore. Since Panama, he's never really flat out said what him and I were and how he felt, so I have just assumed he's been using me for sex even though he isn't the type of person to do that. Because I haven't talked to anyone about the issue, it's been eating away inside of me. When I started PMSing, it only intensified and it's all I could think about everyday. I knew he was coming home this weekend, so I decided I was going to bring it up when he came home because we do much better discussing issues face to face. Well the more I was PMSing, the more I couldn't wait until he came home to talk about it. Even though everything was perfect because I wasn't going to Chattanooga and could see him all three days, and he stated he missed me and couldn't wait to be home to see me, I was willing to throw it all away. I texted him asking him if he was busy, and replied that he wasnt. So i asked him how he would feel if I didn't want to have sex anymore. He asked why and I told him, and he said it was fine but because this was so out of the blue, he felt there was something more to this, like another guy or something. I told him there wasn't another guy, I just didn't feel comfortable talking to him about that type of stuff. That blew the top off the kettle and he went off. He felt that I should be able to talk to him about anything because we've been knowing each other for a year and that I couldn't come to him with that kind of "bullshit" was bullshit. I tried to explain to him that though it had been a year, it was on and off for a whole year and it's hard to still feel connected with someone when you continually stop talking to them all the time. Michael didn't want to hear it. He told me I might as well stop talking to him because he was done. And that was that. I went off. I texted him numerous times, called him, messaged him and received nothing in return. I didn't want this to be the last time we talked. I didn't want this to be the end. I HAD to do something to make him talk to me. I wasn't going to just leave it like this, and I definitely was going to get my damn point across. So I thought up the idea to drive the 3 hours it takes to his school and just show up. If I just showed up, it would pressure him because I wasted all that time and money on gas just to go out there and talk to him. The next night I did, and sure enough it worked. It pissed him off more than anything. I expressed to him I wanted to show him how much he meant to me by doing this because I drove all the way out there simply  just to talk. Who does that? I didn't touch any of my homework or nothing just so I could come out there. He said it only showed him that I was crazy, the type of crazy that's psycho. There's no convincing him when he has his mind made up. No matter how much I wanted to him to see my point and my side of why I came, he just wouldn't. When I left he said he'd be coming home Thursday night, and in response I told him to text me and he said, "Maybe". I never got a text. I only got one Saturday because he was bored. 

I screwed everything up just because I was PMSing and my hormones through everything out of whack. I didn't see him at all this weekend like planned. Only talked to him that ONE time. I'm tired of trying to make this into something it's not. I truly and honestly believe the Lord does not want me an him together. He ended up coming home the weekend I was going to go down there. The weekend we rescheduled for we both ended up in the hospital. The weekend he DID come home we never even saw one another. I'm not blind. I know when something's going on like that. In return, I give up. I'll speak to him when he chooses to speak to me, but I can't keep stringing myself out on a limb like this. No one should, boy or girl. I have to learn to let things be. God will take control because he has something better for me. Honestly, I think He's just reminding me that I will be in Charleston in a year or two and this right here won't matter anymore. It won't even exist. 

Last weekend I had plans to visit Michael where he goes to school. He's coming home this weekend and originally I had plans to leave for Chattanooga tonight and come back Saturday, giving us only one night together. The plans are cancelled now because Kristin's coming home and she was the whole reason I was going to Chatt, but because of what I was supposed to be doing, I felt bad and was going to make it up to Michael by going to visit him and stay the night last Saturday. I was really pumped up to go see him because the fact that he invited me to come out there meant a lot to me. Everything was going as planned Friday, having all my bags packed, shower taken and everything. I woke up at 4AM screaming in pain. I had a fucking kidney stone. I knew it was coming by all the caffeine I was consuming and the fast-paced lifestyle that I've been living for the past two months. I had been telling myself I needed to stop, breathe, and drink more water and juice but I haven't had time to do anything but work and school that I continued and here popped up a kidney stone, the day I had my first management meeting at Nashville Shores and the day I'm supposed to leave to see Michael. I went to the hospital and was there for about two hours. I passed the stone the same night thankfully. Michael sprained his shoulder during football practice and told me not to come so I spent the day in bed drugged up and throwing up. Definitely not what I had planned!

It's always been an aspiration of mine to be on MTV's the Real World. To try and make these dreams true, I signed up. I received an email from MTV about their Nashville casting call and went. The casting call was held at Buffalo Billiards 10AM-5PM. I showed up about 10:45AM and there wasn't as many people as I expected. I was called back in a group of 10, which happened to be all girls. So we sit down and I think I got this in the bag because the aspirations I have for myself are pretty big, I have issues that make me pretty complex, and the answers I put down on my interview sheet were (what I thought) pretty entertaining. Everyone else spoke, and I was proved wrong. There was one girl who was shorter than me, which says a lot, and was from Georgia and had the most distinctive Georgian accent, because they definitely have a different accent than the rest of the south. She was an aspiring singer (girl could sing) and had already been on America's Got Talent. There was another girl who was divorced and she felt the guy she was married to was gay because after getting married, he told her he didn't want to have sex with her, period. She felt he couldn't come out because of his job and position in the church. There was another girl who was in Nashville because of a rugby tournament. She's bisexual but hadn't came out to her family because of their disapproval on the subject. Her sister was a lesbian and married and her family had disowned her and cut off all ties. There were two other girls with dramatic lives like this and here I was, 19 and just a student trying to balance out work and school. I knew I didn't have a chance in hell to make it on the show, but I really liked the experience. It was needless to say, very interesting.

so it's been about a good month for sure since I've last posted. It would have been two months next week. if that doesn't signal how busy I've been, I don't know what will.

My birthday (which was the 28th of February) was pretty decent. I got another tattoo on my back that reads "hold your head high heavy heart" from the song "The Phrase That Pays" by The Academy Is... I went out to eat with friends at the Cheesecake Factory for the first time and definitely fell in love. It snowed that night so I couldn't go out downtown but Caitlin, Brooke, and I are supposed to have a make-up night.

Spring break was amazing. Caitlin and I went to Panama City Beach, Florida for 4 days and 3 nights. I for sure want to go again next year, but I'm afraid it won't be the same seeing as how crazy it was this year, meaning I'm afraid they'll make things stricter. From drinking strawberry margaritas on the beach to not going to bed until 8AM, I'd say I had a blast!

School is pretty shitty right now, due to my lack of appearence. Before spring break I was missing school because I was depressed. The Tuesday I was supposed to return I didn't because of how tired I was from PCB. That Thursday I only went to two classes because of personal issues. This past Tuesday I only went to two classes because I woke up late. Today has been a good day because I've gone to all the classes neccesary (minus English) and I'm slowly but surely catching up on my work. I have a month left and I'll be done with my first semester of college!

I am officially a supervisor at Nashville Shores this year. I'm pretty darn pumped up for the summer because this position is very new to me, but I have high hopes for the upcoming season!

I'm proud to say that I have been on the dating scene. Before spring break I went out on a date with this guy Lamar I met at school. He wasn't really my type so it didn't last long. I'm going on a "date" tomorrow with this guy I met through a family friend (it's his son). He's really cute. He goes to TTU. I'm excited to see how things go. Problem is, Michael and I are back on communicating terms. We met up in Panama and have been talking since. The feelings I have for him haven't gone away in a sense that I still care for him and have love for him immensely, but I can for sure say I am no longer in love with him. I would still love to be with him, and I slightly get that feeling from him too, but I really don't want to rush things because if we're meant to be together, it'll happen. I'm busy with school and work, he's busy with school and football, so we'll just see how things go. The issue I had with one of his friends when Michael and I weren't talking is bound to surface soon, so I rather not get my hopes up thinking everything's okay when that issue could come up and bring everything back down again. Only time can tell what's right for us.

Kristin and I are friends again. She started talking to me a couple of weeks before my birthday, and it's just continued on since. I feel like we've became closer. No  matter what she does or I do to her, the bond we have is irreplaceable. It's hard to explain, but it's just naturally there. Life's too short to hold what happened against one another. It takes up too much time to avoid her whenever I can forgive and love her.

 Today was my Mommy's birthday :) I believe it has been one of the best birthdays, at least that I can remember. I bought her the new John Legend CD, tickets to the Dave Matthews Band concert (which i am STOKED FOR!), a Luigi shirt (she picks that character on Mario Kart for Wii every time), a bouquet of flowers, and took her out to dinner at the new Red Lobster in Providence. My grandmother also got her the book Scar Tissue  by  Anthony Kiedis, which I can't wait to borrow. Needless to say, this is the most I have done for her, both for Christmas and her birthday, and she was very happy. From what I understood, she had a really great day today. For me on the other hand..
UGH!! I owe my grandmother a grand total of $1923!!!! Fuck me in the ass damn it. Let me begin my rant.

#1.) my damn car. damn it. damn it. damn it. damn it. The car (a Plymouth Neon) just turned 10 last year and has 157,??? miles on it. If that doesn't tell you what kind of condition it's in, then I don't know what will. When my mom gave it to me, she just recently had the belts changed, and the car had a set of brand new tires on it. What also came along with it was an overall poor system under the hood due to her changing the oil irregularly, a leakage of antifreeze/water/we really didnt know in the backseat during the winter, bubbled tint that looks horrid, and only two hub caps. I will have had the car for a year in March. I haven't had to do any work on it besides a tire fix until early this month I had to buy a new rack and pinon(sp?). It controls the steering of your car and without it you can't steer. That costed $7?? only because they doubled my coupons. Just this past week I noticed the leak that occurs in the backseat annually had gotten worse this year. I had an empty Dr. Pepper bottle on the floor, and a couple of days later saw it floating because there was so much liquid on the floor. A couple more days later, I noticed my car was continuously changing temperature. One moment the thermometer said it was between cold and hot and the next it said it was about to over heat. This was too much for me not to have my car checked out. Because today is my only day off this week, I had it checked out. Come to find out my timing belt needs to be replaced, water pump replaced, had one hose swelling and another hose had dry-rotted, thermostat needed changing, and I had a coolant leak which equals $1203. Combine that with the work done earlier this month and all comes down to basically $2000. So for all you motherfuckers that think I have it so easy because I don't have rent to pay, please do forget that life costs. Shit happens and it doesn't just affect rent payers. On top of having to pay my cell phone bill, car insurance, help out (sometimes) with family expenses, put in for my doctor visits, some of groceries, basic maintaining of my car, and gas, my cash flow is no different than yours at times. 

#2.) I don't want to look like I'm 30 when I'm 21. The way it's going, it just might happen this year. I work full time and attend school full time with a hint of family and friend time sprinkled on top sparsely. I'm always tired. I never don't drink coffee in the mornings and it's hard not to want to pass out on the couch when I get home around 9:15 from being up since 6AM. I never knew things would be so difficult. I mean I knew, but I didn't really know. It hurts me when my sister calls me to her room just to see me because I'm never home anymore and when I can't do basic outing stuff like shop with my mom because I feel like I'm going to fall asleep driving. Today was my mom's birthday, I have a psychology test tomorrow, a Music Appreciation paper to write, Valentine's with Caitlin, Charlie's birthday is a week before mine, my birthday, then spring break all within a month not to mention the added tests and papers along the way. 

I could easily be depressed right now because there are more stressful issues in which I don't feel like putting my energy forth towards describing. Instead I'm taking this negative energy and choosing to channel this into positive energy. I feel with every bad situation that occurs, it's really only as bad as you make it. It's all in one's perception. Reinvent the situation into something you want when it's the opposite.  So here are my complaints turned right side up!

#1.) Incase anyone's forgotten, I will be in Charleston, South Carolina in about two years roughly. I can't imagine being in this situation so many miles from home. Granted, it will happen eventually when I'm there, but not expectedly within the first couple of years. Being able to have this happen with my family here to support me with money, transportation, and emotionally is more than what I can ask for. It also gives me the ability to be able to learn how to pay back such a big amount on my own, without anyone's help, for the first time. Incase I can't, I have my family to fall back on and help me out. If I were in Charleston and this had happened, I would be shit out of luck. Yea my family could still support me financially but I wouldn't have transportation nor the support they give me by physically being here. My family is my little motivators. It's one of those situations where it's netter now than later.

#2.) All this business gives me no time to think of my lack of a love life and/or Michael, which I still have not spoken to (now a complete month). It's teaching me great time management skills, which, again, I rather learn now than in Charleston when all I'm left with is to study the major stuff-all things relating to my major. It's hard on me now but I rather be busy than bored. At least I can feel that I'm getting closer to my dream life.

On top of this, can I just mention again that my mother had a wonderful birthday? It's about time I was able to really do something for her and it work out well. We're also looking into getting a cat! I think I have her convinced and I can't wait!!

 i have been so busy lately! i knew once school started that my free time would lessen, but JEEZ! i didn't know it would be this bad. so, here's almost everything..

Michael and I are no longer speaking. Some how it came up in a conversation through text that he has a girlfriend, and it really pissed me off. If this is true, then he has cheated on his girlfriend with me and I'm not for that. It hurts me that he would keep that from me and lie to me and on top of everything, be so hypocritical. Knowing how immature Michael is though, I don't know if he was joking and telling me this just to see my reaction, which he does often. Either way, once he told me that I told him I was tired of his shit and haven't spoken to him since. It's been three weeks without any word. I would like to put things to a final end by coming out and telling him that I don't think we should speak to one another anymore, but I know how I am and if I text him I'm just going to say all this stuff and cry and go right back to him once he comes home. So I figured I will wait till he comes home and texts me asking if he can see me and I'll act as if everything is normal, go to see him and tell him face to face. That way it is handled maturely and there's no miscommunication because it's all said and done through a text. I feel so much better now that I don't have anything to do with him. He's not completely out of my life but once he is, it will aleveate so much negativity from my life. I always knew that, but Michael is literally like an addiction. It's harder said than done to break away.
Note to self: stay away from Michael's! Period.

School started and i absolutely LOVE it! College is everything I thought it would be and more. There's so much freedom and it's absolutely amazing. It's nothing like high school. I know eventually it will become like high school with having to go all the time, studying, and all the homework, but for now it's the best thing. I met this really awesome chick named Alona. I have step aerobics and English with her, and our Psych classes are in the same building. We hung out Friday and she's so much fun. Hopefully she'll be coming along with Caitlin and I to Panama for spring break. We also have the same fucking tattoo on the same body part but different arms and colors. How cool is that?

Brittany M. and I hung out last weekend and this weekend and I have missed her so much! I haven't seen her since graduation but we've kept in touch up until last weekend when she came over. She's so much fun and I love her.

I am very excited for next weekend because Brittany O. and Brooke are turning 21!! I'm the party planner when it comes to my friends (Caitlin's party, Tori's) so I'm hoping I get the gift of planning this birthday weekend for them. I really enjoy planning it for them because it's a lot of fun since out of everyone I'm the one who knows Nashville the best, so I like bringing them out and showing everyone new places. Either way it will be a fun weekend and I cannot wait!

I went out on a date a couple of weeks ago with this guy named Jake. I've mentioned him before about a year ago because it's been that long since I've seen him (if not longer). I used to work with him at Nashville Shores when I was 15 and he went to Father Ryan but transfered to MJ High his senior year. It was really nice to go on a date seeing as how I haven't been on one since 4 or 5 months ago. He has matured so much and has really changed, but he's still not my type. I spend time with him whenever I can because I enjoy his company, but I could never see us in a relationship.

In 3 more days it makes a month until my birthday, and then on the 31st its Justin Timberlake's birthday, so celebrate!! haha :)

recently i joined the YMCA. I had told Caitlin on New Years Eve that I was thinking about it, so the day after New Years day, i went ahead and joined! i have been working out everyday since and i LOVE it! i'm not the type to get up early in the morning just to go work out. instead i fit it in with whatever else is going on in my day because i am not a morning person! for now i'm just on the treadmils and the stair thingys. its really working my legs, stomach, and arms but it's not working out my stomach as much as I'd like it to. i signed up for the my fit which is where you can meet with a personal trainer once every three months and they measure  your weight, body fat, body mass and tell you what your strengths and weaknesses are and recommend what foods to eat to help. whenever i meet with them i'm hoping to get some recommendations on how to tone up the belly fat lol

everything with michael went as planned except with a bit of a twist. things became fine until one night when he had texted me asking if i could come over. i told him i had to see what my mom was doing, to see if she'd be going to bed anytime soon. i asked if he could come over instead and he said "uh maybe not". about 30mins later he responds with "nevermind dont come im still mad at u". of course, it's about hanging with his friends, so we argue about that and it ends in me saying, "michael i love you. id never do anything to deliberately hurt you and i want you to know that and remember it. i make mistakes just like you but i'd never do anything to hurt you." his response? "whatever i dont care about u no more." so i told him if he didnt care about me anymore to just never talk to me again, and he said he wouldnt. that was that. so i thought, like always.
That was Tuesday. Thursday, he texts me asking what i'm doing. once i tell him he asks if he thinks i can come over. if i don't know this boy better than peanuts know butter in a jar then i don't know who does. long story short, i ended up going over. he said he was mad enough to say he didn't care about me anymore because he didn't at the time, but still does care about me. he's still mad over everything, but i was able to explain myself full out so i think it's calmed things down more. as i was leaving his house, he was texting this girl named Morgan. like not just a couple of texts and he was done, it carried on for a while and made me really mad. he's so damn hypocritical! he told me he hated girls that are always hanging with guys and I just don't understand how it's any different from him  constantly talking to girls? oh wait, it's not fucking different! Why can't he realize these things and why do my feelings have to be taken advantage of?

this past week i have been hanging out with my friend Boom every night. Boom is not his real name (obviously) but is his nickname, which I'd rather use. it started out as us just wanting to see one another before he went back to school but ended up seeing one another everynight up until new years eve day. i really enjoyed spending time with him and was becoming attracted to him ( i can't hang on to Michael forever, especially since he won't be with me!). i don't know if the feelings were mutual with Boom, but he would text me saying "I enjoyed seeing you again tonight :-)" so I'm guessing he enjoyed my company just as much. we really kind of hit it off because we both have big aspirations for our futureand we both are really interested in astrology (which is an uncommon interest). he even looked up his sign and saw how compatible it was to mine, which wasn't too shabby if i might say so myself ;). one night we got to talking about resolutions, and he said one of his was to have an apartment, house, or condo in his name and have two cars in his name. he also said he wants to pursue the dream girl he already has in mind. the night before he left he was talking about the two cars he wants in his name and said something to the effect that my car could be one of the cars in the driveway. he texts me every morning and night wishing me a good morning or night. the last time i saw him we kissed one another, and the night before he left we were cuddling and all over one another (minus the sexual inuendeo(sp?)). with all this said, i thought he was into me too. am i wrong for thinking so? his facebook statuses have been making me think otherwise. one said something about him being single but interested in someone. i texted him asking who it was and he told me it was a secret. what kind of bullshit is that? that answered my question within itself because if it was me, he would have at least hinted at it. second one, "2 be honest I don't feel the same....sigh...&& i've never felt this way before : (". now that is the biggest hint ever to me that he doesnt feel the same. apparently who ever he was interested in dosen't feel the same and it sucks for him because he's never felt this way for anyone. yay me.

it sucks ass wearing my heart on my sleeve. i really don't just give my heart to anyone but the slightest bit of having feelings for someone gets stomped on.

ugggh

so my mother and i were right; starbucks guy only wanted to give me free coffee. i had went to see him/get coffee twice, and that was all i really saw of him. he walked past Zoe's twice (&& looked in) and never came in. i haven't seen him since, and i'd say that was at least three weeks ago. so it's official- i am lame!

christmas was wonderful! my mom got her a brand new cell phone, i got a brand new camera, my sister got the wii, and i was able to give my Nanapop an actual gift from the heart and not just have my mom buy a gift and put my name on it. i was able to spend quality time with my Nana. We just went looking around Providence and went adore houses there. this christmas was better than i could ever ask for, from getting (suprisingly) just about everything i asked for to spending actual family time with everyone. my Nana was all into bringing us all together and my mom was a lot happier this christmas than she has been, besides the issues with my Papa and his lung cancer problem. i was even able to donate some money to the salvation army, which made me so happy. i intend on donating clothes to the local homeless family shelter Safe Haven (I believe it's called) so I'm stoked about that.

this past week i have learned what a weak human being i am when it comes to people i love. i was reading Jensen's livejournal because for some odd reason she kept me as a friend on here but deleted me from myspace (either she forgot or is nosy) and noted all the blogs she had saying the same thing- "how could you do this to me?" "i'm so hurt but moving on" "no one ever hurt me as much as you" "ill always love you" etc. etc. all about the same guy. one entry she hates him and claims she's never talking to him again and the next she's putting a letter in his mailbox, clearly showing effort. as im reading these im thinking "why doesn't she just drop him cold turkey? forget about him already!" until i realized that i have no room to speak. i declared in my last entry that i was done with Michael and I wasn't going to try anymore because he was ignoring me. a couple of weeks ago he texted me while i was at work and i was very upfront with him by saying I didn't want to talk to someone who was going to ignore me and talk to me whenever they felt like it. we got into it and come to find out he had lost his phone (which i already knew) and had just gotten a new one that day. the argument then turned into how he still could have contacted me through his house phone or friends phone like he's done before. he admitted that he could have done so, but was stressed with school and his phone. i let up on it and we forgot about it and things were back to normal. everything seemed to be going so well for us until he heard how i had gotten piss drunk with his friends one night and that set him off. he called me a hoe and told me how he never wanted to talk to me again over this one incident. it was me, C.J., Tyson, Jasper, the other Michael, his cousin and about 5 people that I don't know the names of that had all hung out one night. every single one of them knew that i was Michael's ex and I still had feelings for him, especially C.J. and that's Michael's best friend so nothing went, or could have, went down. I stressed this to Michael and told him that there was so much more I could have done that night than just get drunk for him to be mad at but he still didn't get it and was freaking out over it. we argued the entire night and ended in him not wanting to ever talk to me again and me wanting my stuff back. given a couple of nights and continous "are you home" texts to see if he was home to get my things, he texted me last night saying he had his new car. he's been without a car for i don't know how long because his mom sold it and he finally got a new one. the argument we had got brought up and of course, like always, he took me hanging out with them as me wanting to hook up with his friends. i knew that's why he had said the things he said because I know Michael when he gets mad. we talked it out and he ended up saying he wanted me to come see his new car. and i give it a couple more days until things are back to normal.
i'm speechless. i don't even know how to put into words how i feel. i want to say i hate myself, but i don't because it's the fact that i love him which is the reason i continue to give into him. i want to say i hate love, but i don't because one day i hope someone is as vulnerable to the things love does with me as i am to Michael. when he had said he didn't want to speak to me anymore, of course i wasn't okay with it, but i was going to deal with it and make myself be fine. i was kind of ready to put everything to rest and really find someone for me, but now I'm not because things are okay. i can't give up on him but if he's willing to give up on me then that's when i'll give up on him.
i am such a sucker.

"Theres an old love in his heart that he cant lose. He tries to forget but he knows there no use. He's got a fool-hearted memory- it won't let him see that she walked out the door. He sits patiently here every night so it can fool him more."-George Strait