||[Apr. 19th, 2015|12:55 am]
Today has been a good day. It didn't start out that way, with me waking up and deciding to quit my second job, but I have confidence I did the right thing, though I still regret it. How is that? How can you regret something you did but feel you made a good decision? I guess it's like accepting you have to let someone go but still wishing they were with you? I don't know. Today has been a little better from yesterday. I know the more time goes on, the easier things will be. I just hope he knows how special he is, not just to me, but to the entire world. He really struggled with self-confidence in the beginning and I hope that he can gain/find it or has. I hope I made him feel loved. I know I probably made him feel sane lol I'm happy he stayed the night with me when we broke up and I'm happy we weren't intimate. He is such a great guy. I guess I should stop day dreaming about him.|
I am really happy that I stuck things out with him. I had so many people question our relationship ("Are you sure you want to do this?") and I had so many people tell me that he favored my mother. I know people doubted us and they doubted his sobriety. We pulled through. Some people might look at it as we didn't since we ultimately have broken up, but to me we did. We spent nine months together; nine long sober months. In the beginning I really didn't know who I was laying in bed next to. The beginning of our relationship was extremely hard and I didn't expect us to be together long. Once I got to know him, I fell hard. Those were the best times of my life.
I'm real slow in life, as in I am a late bloomer. I feel like most people of my generation are encompassing on their "forever relationships" but I'm just getting started on really creating a groundbreaking, confident, loving relationship with myself. I'm scared and I'm very, very vulnerable, but I am so ready. I have confidence that once the time is right, I will encounter another true love. I am very proud of myself for making progression with my intimate relationships. Michael was off and on for four years and well, we have that one person from high school we don't cut off for awhile. Anthony was great. I really lost myself in him and I hate I did that, but he helped me build confidence in myself. He supported me and helped me view things logically. Brendan, well, of course I'm still in love so to me, right now, he's just everything I've ever wanted. I have to say it felt really nice to admire someone from afar for so long and then get what you wanted-them. I had the biggest crush on him for SO long and everyone knew, of my friends at least. I felt honored that he took up interest with me because I knew how considerate he was and how hard it was for him to open up. He has been the most emotionally supportive partner I have ever had, but I will say that he could have communicated much, much more and he even admitted that himself. He just isn't one to like to talk about things. I know at times I felt like he didn't inquire enough in my personal matters. So now that I know how loving warmth feels with also knowing what else I still yearn for, I can seek it out when the time is right; i am in no absolute rush.