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rosecoloredfog


thoughts, feelings, && rambles

this is everything.


Dream
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rosecoloredfog

I found multiple papers decorated in different color markers like the ones I used to make in high school when you were "going out" with someone. One had quotes on it talking about the being vulnerable and open to taking the first step of being in a relationship, kind of like an "I do". There was one paper where it appeared to be a conversation between two people. I don't know at what point I knew it was Anthony and his new girlfriend's, but I was extremely heated and upset that this was in my hands like it was in front of me on purpose. I read their encounter and how Anthony came up to here. Apparently he did so in November and she's liked him since. He states multiple times how he's not ready to begin another relationship and brings me up multiple times, stating how he feels he needs to be respectful towards me. The girl is pretty much like "fuck her" and continues to persuade him. I bring the papers to the dining room and lay it out in front of my sister to make sure they aren't hers and as it turns out, they aren't. What I was going to do with them next, I'm unsure.

I have no idea if he's seeing someone else, though it wouldn't surprise me if he is. I guess I'm just not there in our friendship to know quite yet, seeing as how I do miss him.


Because you are a fucking asshole
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rosecoloredfog

Maybe one day when you're done being bitter about your own actions, you'll go creeping and read this. I wanted to share this with you but as usual, you're unreceptive. Why I ever was concerned to share this with you bothers me.

I know the last time we spoke, we ended on uneasy terms. I distinctively remember the first time I was up there you told me if we ever broke up, no matter how much you missed me you would never tell me., that you wouldn't be the first to make a move. I don't expect you to be missing me, but I figure id make the first move in clearing the negative energy, even if we never see each other or speak to one another after this.
I just wanted to give you consolation in knowing you weren't the only one unhappy in the relationship towards the end. There's many times things didn't feeli right to me and I often wonder if we kept it on longer than it should have been. I wonder if we didn't become so consumed with everything else, would that love still be there? What if we were living by one another? So many questions but the only thing I do know is that when we met, we were exactly what we needed at that time. The love that we felt for one another was very organic and very, very real. But we changed; independently and together. What we needed was no longer the same and I think we denied seeing that for awhile hoping it would just work itself out but I didn't, and that's okay. Just because it didn't work out between us doesn't lessen what we had or felt. I think it was a lesson for both of us to be more self-aware and honest with ourselves and our partner.
You helped me remove the people that were toxic in my life that I may not have done otherwise. You motivated me and provided support I never had before. I am thankful for your place in my life, no matter how disappointed I am at how you treated me and us towards the end.
If I had power over things, I would never want you to feel as if you are unworthy of being loved and loving one another. Again I don't think the love we shared is not "real love", I think we were both able to experience it deeper than previous relations, but just because it didn't last doesn't make it real. All it means is that there is more to learn and apply about ourselves and the relations we encounter.
I hope this finds you well and brings some peace with it.


it's all in the cards
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rosecoloredfog
I can't tell you this now because I need my space, but I am thankful for what you were to me. Though with all the happiness you have brought, pain came along right beside it, I needed it both. Without you, I wouldn't have shed the layers I needed to. You helped me push the toxins out that I otherwise would have kept consuming. You were there for me when others weren't and pushed me far enough to realize the ones that are there for me when you're not. One day I would like to thank you for helping me grow, but I just can't right now and I hope you understand.

"Maybe he's what you needed at the time, but now he no longer has a place in your life."-tarot

Outside
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rosecoloredfog

You know what, I'm just going to be honest with myself and this nonexistent person I'm pretending to talk to right now and admit that I get jealous when I see people post pictures about their loved ones. It makes me jealous because my partner doesn't do that. If I were to confront him about it, I would get told that he's not like that and I knew that going into this. Blah blah blah. It would just feel good every once in a while to be claimed; to have that recognition of "This is my girlfriend and I love her." I don't want it all the time, but every once in a while would be nice. It would make me feel more confident about myself, about how attractive I am to you, your feelings for me and all the other selfish reasons you can think of. The reason I ever post selfies is because I want attention from you. I used to stay glued to my phone before we talked to see if you'd like it. I do that now. I want that communication of attraction. To some people, it should just be an unspoken fact of being in a relationship but for me I need to hear/see you tell me these things every once in a while. Ugh I wish I didn't have such a lack of self confidence..


(no subject)
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rosecoloredfog

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I wish I had enough balls to be honest with you.


Shadow
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rosecoloredfog

I feel like my best friend died before I got the chance to say goodbye.


(no subject)
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rosecoloredfog
I really, really hate my anxiety.
I don't know what I'm going to do if this fails.
It's everything to me. Remember, please.

Cord
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rosecoloredfog

You're the first thought when my eyes open and the last when they shut.
When fate brings people and events together, you're the first I want to tell.
So it stings like the northern wind when I fall last in place, getting the trophy just for participating.
Tell me, why do you build things up to let them fall?
I post this, check that, listen and watch just for you.
When I send, submit, and yell it enters the black realm of this structured device and nothing tangible is reciprocated anymore.
I feel like I'm a piece of matter floating without gravity. Your ship conquered lands without me long ago.


Razor Blade
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rosecoloredfog
You know that feeling when you're getting a professional piece of work together and you're super excited about it? The work makes you feel confident in your position and hopeful of your direction. Then someone of a slightly higher stature comes up to you with their exciting news and completely tears down this really tall stack of confidence you have built up. You second guess yourself and your work. The harm's unintentional, but damn.

from the rain to the fire
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rosecoloredfog

"How does it feel?"
You ask
I look all around me
"What do you see?"
Swirling and swirling, louder and louder
Your voice rolls like thunder
I do this every time
Same reason, same lie
Line by line, I tell myself
"There's no such thing as happiness."
but what I saw in you
What I felt with you
We were once that lie
You used to lead the way
Into the darkness, we'd both escape
Your touch, it runs so deep
You cut the heart that needs you to breathe


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