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rosecoloredfog


thoughts, feelings, && rambles

this is everything.


Lito
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rosecoloredfog

It's like you never even happened
And our lines never crossed
You were never near
Too far to touch
Did we even meet
Or was it just a dream?
Maybe just a very deep sleep

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yesterday
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rosecoloredfog
I think, I think
I like the idea of you more than I like the person you are.
Your affection, your tattoos, your piercing, your considerate ways
Are all things I can find in someone else.
These "attributes" are really either superficial, lustful bait or characteristics another being possess.
What I won't find in someone else is
Your coded lingo (except myself), the way you pull me in to push me away, your defensive defenseless nature...
I can't stand the way you use me but like a bad habit (fitting, isn't it) I can't seem to let you go.

sprite
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rosecoloredfog
Battling depression and living a functional, contributing life is not easy. I mean, can you tell because I've actually been blogging rather than writing? This summer has not been the summer I was looking forward to. At this point, I have two months of hot, sticky weather to wear barely any clothes in and run around and get plastered before we're all trapped indoors and required to layer up, loathing life again. My life, well, my summer, has been taken over by a boy, who is the age of a man but living a boyish life. I have given up my aspirations (no I havent, I just like being extremely exaggerated) to revolve my world around him, just like I would to any boy with tattoos who smiles at me. But this boy in particular I have fancied from afar for over two years. My tarot card reader pointed him out three months ago to be my (at the time) future boyfriend and provide me the emotional support I've never received. Oh, has he ever given me emotional support in ways that feel so good to my heart and soul, but at the same time he has turned my world upside down. If you ask him, he hasn't done anything but his addiction has done it all, and I haven't been able to decide if it's his addiction that angers me the most or the feeling I have that he won't take responsibility of his actions and keeps blaming his addiction. I'll never know the difference between the two because they are so wrapped up together, his addiction and himself. One thing I do know is through all of this I have realized how damaged i am. I don't think I realized how hurt I was from things with Anthony and I. I mean how could I not be, I was neglected for almost over two months. I saw myself marrying this man. Then to travel all the way on the other half of the county to see a BOY who had literally nothing to do with me afterwards. After that I come into this, damaged and unawaringly depressed. I will never blame him for my depression, any "him"s, because I realize that I need help and I know, I know, there's nothing wrong with asking for it. So is that the calm after the storm, the reason for the everything, realizing I need help? Who fucking knows. As the worn out saying goes, "time will tell". As of now, I'm going to continue loathing his existence and crying everyday until the next piece of shit comes along.

Spoon
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rosecoloredfog
I've done a good job at breaking up the pieces and spreading them out, so when I go to pick them back up I have to go through treacherous conditions just to place my puzzle back together. I thought I was okay, though I think I knew I actually wasn't. Two back-to-back failed attempts with no healing after the major explosion is not going to leave one quite ready for the world. I took him on anyway, because after two years' worth of admiration not only was I curious but I was humbled my dream was finally coming true. I had came home and beat myself up over not being able to tell him liked him and days I would spend thinking about him, again, for two years. So i let him wrap me up in all of his drug infested misery that I had no clue was present. He has wrapped me in such a cocoon that I can't reach out for help. A lot of me wonders if he was really right all along, all those times he would say "I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you..just being me..this addiction." I don't know anything about addictions, is this what it does to people? Does addictions make you use people for whatever piece you feel you're missing then when they have satisfied it you move on? Well, it feels that way and that's the only thing I can go on right now. I said some fucked up shit this week, but nothing that prepared me for the rest of this week. Maybe I am just that much of a pushover that I give people trillions of chances when they should have none and he's more firm in his boundaries, but if he liked me as much as he said he did,he'd understand "I'm sorry" and we would have transitioned back into how we were already. Instead, he gets a cop out and gets to blame his addiction for making him want to figure out the next steps for himself. What this means in non-i-dont-take-advantage-of-people language is that he doesn't care to date me anymore.

Is honesty even a real thing anymore, or is it an idea we have of something we wish we could obtain? I realize I'm pretty fucked up and I acknowledge that but minus one person, generally no matter what I try to be completely honest back but I feel like I am constantly being robbed of the only thing I bring to the world, and that's my feelings; my good nature, counseling, etc.

In the night
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rosecoloredfog

I hope you're over there tonight thinking of me like I'm thinking of you. I feel really comfortable with you and I haven't even touched you. It's like you just get me. When I'm with you I feel like I'm just spiritually present. We get each other in a really weird, twisted, unfortunately messed up way. Besides being afraid you don't find me attractive, I'm afraid of how attractive you do find me...because of how attractive I find you.


Uno Díaz
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rosecoloredfog

The only good thing I see out of this is that each guy that I keep losing is closer and closer to my ideal mate. So one day before you know it, ill be with my own Jose Pasillas and because he will be my own JP, I won't be losing him and he won't be losing me.


Set me free
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rosecoloredfog

Every time I close my eyes I see you.
Every fucking time you reached out to hold my hand. Or when id be sitting there too stoned to speak but with words racing in my head. When you can up to me in the bookstore and grabbed my ass. Or when we were sitting at the bar and you held my knee. When I was on top of you and you pushed my hair back and said I was so sexy; you felt so comfortable with me. Or when we were at the beach for the first time and you held me and kissed me. Sitting on the railroad tracks and watching you light up, taking pictures of you. Laying on your bed watching you roll our joints. Smoking them on the back deck and you leaning over to kiss me. Knocking the Mountain Dew bottle down. The lady yelling while moving her bus. That trippy ass fucking movie! "Mmm" after you kissed me in the mornings. When you were so stoned and drunk lying in bed, "mmmhmmmm".


It all just keeps replaying. Over and over and over and o v e R


Sand in the sky
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rosecoloredfog

What's wrong with me? I feel like an emotional wreck. I want to cry but I can't. My mind just replays and replays this past week and I'm stuck in the past. What was I expecting? Did I really think it was possible for you to fall for me? Did I really think it was going to be as blissful as you built up?


No re-entry
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rosecoloredfog

I wonder why I keep jumping on the same merry go-round over and over over. Why am I expecting change when I make lazy excuses for change? I'm so guilty of looking at it right in the face and trying to find the easy way to slip through it's cracks when the things I can slip through are the things I need to change, hence their easy access.


Graph
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rosecoloredfog

Can I not feel extensively because I'm too horrified you will replay again?
The moments l cover my eyes and let myself run, I feel like I'm going to be able to cross the finish line, but then the cover falls off and I see you, all over again. Repeat, repeat I fell that tightening in my chest and I'm reminded that you left. I can't feel that again. The apprehension builds and I make myself feel numb so I can't be vulnerable. I can't like you because of the asshole before you.


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