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(no subject) [Nov. 3rd, 2015|07:50 pm]
I remember coming here
This was unchartered territory
A place I never knew
Something I had always seen
But walked on by
If I needed to find you,
I knew where you'd be
Crouching within a seat somewhere
Lonely, pale and fragile you were
I just wanted you free
Free from all the torment that the world couldn't see
Looking around I see you in it all
I see us walking in the doors laughing and enjoying each other's company
I see you against the wall with your laptop and free time
Meeting you after work and worried about your well-being
I see all of us together meeting your parents.
Everyone came together just for you.
Outside we sat with your dad.
I've never seen such quiet worry across someone's face the way I saw it displayed.
I see myself at this very table, so lost and confused.
It's hard coming in here without flashing back to what seems so long ago.
At some point we have to free ourselves from the jail we trap our mind in.
For some reason, this part of my memory is very cozy.
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(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2015|02:58 pm]
For some reason, ever since my roomie said she saw the movie "Amy", I have been obsessed with learning everything about Amy Winehouse. I haven't seen the documentary yet, though I will. I feel as if I relate to her longing for her love of her boyfriend/husband and how dramatic she makes it. The strong emotions she portrays in her music exemplifies how strong the pain is at times in my mind and heart when I spend to much time thinking about B. In some ways, I feel like I resorted going back to a black period, such as her song "Back to Black", but I know haven't in comparison to previous behaviors, which were really black, with previous breakups. It's really hard detaching from this idea of him and i together, what i should be and so forth because he's still so invested in my life. It's my fault. When I could have had space, I begged for his company. Now he's oblivious to my suffering and involved in my life and I can't tell him I need space in fear destroying the possibility of us getting back together, though this will never happen. Even if it could, it wouldn't be right. I know this, but I have lied and deceived myself so much, I feel like I have entrapped myself. I want to stop living in this misery and do something with it. I want to create art, in whatever way that looks like.
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don't take the sleeping pills [May. 19th, 2015|08:29 pm]
i have probably stated this before, (probably...meaning indefinitely) but I freaking hate dating. I haven't encountered any stupid mistakes yet, well, meaning I haven't made a fool of myself, but I hate the over-analyzing that comes along with dating. I met this guy at his workplace because he's a bartender and I started "stalking" him because I fancied him. Of course we hit it off and I got his number and we hooked up in the same day. I made him breakfast and coffee the next morning and that was it. It was really nice. He seemed to really enjoy my company, as I did his. As we left he said he wanted to hang out again. Playfully I told him I would think about it, but I really meant I wanted to spend time with him again. Truthfully I do not feel any sort of pull to him and really aspire to get to know him more, I think I'm just lonely. I want to feel wanted. Reasoning behind the acknowledgement is because this occurred Sunday and it currently being Tuesday, I have yet to hear from him haha I can absolutely text him myself, but because I'm attempting to be cautious in relations I develop, I (in my core) know that it's not beneficial to entertain this. If he is to text me, I will pursue whatever comes but I need to not go after something just because I'm lonely and that is haaaaard to change within me.
Ex-beau is in the hospital, again; first time in eight months on the other hand. He went in last night and he told me he would call me but he has yet to call me. It really upsets me that he hasn't called me. I'm upset for selfish reasons and I admit that. I just want to be there for him. I want him to depend on me, but so he can see how dependable I am which will remind him how great I can be and influence the desire to get back with me. Sickening, I know it is, but I miss him. I hope one day I can realize that seeking relations with people who are constantly in need is not healthy and I hope one day I will encounter a long lasting relationship in which my partner is completely emotionally supportive to and for me as I to them and we can strengthen and empower one another. One day. Until then, Michael's still going to be around. He's been blowing me up!
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i watched you [May. 13th, 2015|10:03 pm]
if my 18 year old self could see this far into the future, I'm afraid I never would have chosen to move on from my ex-boyfriend from high school. In a weird way, he's like a virus; he always comes back around at least once a year. I haven't spoken to Michael since the summer or fall of 2012, so it's been years, but it's crazy to me how every time we rekindle, he's changed more and more, still the same in some ways of course. I know that's what growth is about. Last night he said something like, "You don't even know who I am anymore," and I responded that I don't want to know who he is, so I can get to know this new Michael. I'm happy I have changed as well, because if I hadn't, boy would I be head over heels in love with him. Shit, I already was when his personality sucked!! Unfortunately, I have this weird gift where I can see what people can become, maybe if I work hard enough it could be stronger. Point is, I knew Michael would be the man he is today. Just like I know that Brendan isn't going to be what he has the potential to be. Sorry, I'm bitter. Excuse my angry phase.
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i love it when you do that [May. 2nd, 2015|10:16 pm]
i have to give myself some credit. at least i'm not having thoughts of wishful thinking. i don't have unrealistic ideas about us getting back together and i'm not acting out as i have in the past. i do daydream about you acting out of character. a part of me hopes one day you would text me, letting me know how sorry you are for breaking up with me and how you still were in love with me. i daydream about you being here in my room and me coming on to you and being able to engage in sexual activities with you again. i daydream about spending quality time with you, whether it's catching drinks or just hanging out, laughing together. a part of me questions, "Were we really this happy?" or am I missing something i never had? i hope you miss my presence as much as i miss you. i hope you still see the good in me and never become jaded to our circumstance. i am still in love with you soooooo much. i'm going to be putting of "i'm madly in love with my ex" energies for awhile. i hope it doesn't close off or push away anything/one too important.
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baby, it's alright [Apr. 28th, 2015|10:26 pm]
i haven't been sad like this in a long, long time. at least with Anthony I knew we weren't working out so when I finally broke up with him, it almost felt liberating. I was angry for awhile, then down in the dumps with Carlos but I don't know. this sad is a different kind of sad. This is a "I have spent 9 months of everyday with someone and now I'm all alone" sad. I have my ups and downs day-to-day. Up until today, I'd say I've been doing pretty damn good but when he text me and told me he was calling his sister, and the fact he hasn't talked to his sister in I think years, makes me sad. I'm sad I'm not apart of his life to be there beside him making this step to reconcile. I'm really sad I can't meet her. Or his nephew. It's probably best not to be around for that knowing how awesome he is with kids. I wanted so badly to have kids with him and raise a functional family the best way two dysfunctional people could, because with him I felt I could do anything, WE could do anything. That's how I justified everything in my head, "If I could stand beside him everyday he was struggling, hating himself and wanting to die, and he could stand beside me whenever I wanted to die, we can make it through anything." My heart longs for him. I'd do anything to have him back in my life as my partner in crime and as my lover. I pray I don't have to experience this again. I'm just so tired of being left.
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seriene [Apr. 19th, 2015|12:55 am]
Today has been a good day. It didn't start out that way, with me waking up and deciding to quit my second job, but I have confidence I did the right thing, though I still regret it. How is that? How can you regret something you did but feel you made a good decision? I guess it's like accepting you have to let someone go but still wishing they were with you? I don't know. Today has been a little better from yesterday. I know the more time goes on, the easier things will be. I just hope he knows how special he is, not just to me, but to the entire world. He really struggled with self-confidence in the beginning and I hope that he can gain/find it or has. I hope I made him feel loved. I know I probably made him feel sane lol I'm happy he stayed the night with me when we broke up and I'm happy we weren't intimate. He is such a great guy. I guess I should stop day dreaming about him.
I am really happy that I stuck things out with him. I had so many people question our relationship ("Are you sure you want to do this?") and I had so many people tell me that he favored my mother. I know people doubted us and they doubted his sobriety. We pulled through. Some people might look at it as we didn't since we ultimately have broken up, but to me we did. We spent nine months together; nine long sober months. In the beginning I really didn't know who I was laying in bed next to. The beginning of our relationship was extremely hard and I didn't expect us to be together long. Once I got to know him, I fell hard. Those were the best times of my life.
I'm real slow in life, as in I am a late bloomer. I feel like most people of my generation are encompassing on their "forever relationships" but I'm just getting started on really creating a groundbreaking, confident, loving relationship with myself. I'm scared and I'm very, very vulnerable, but I am so ready. I have confidence that once the time is right, I will encounter another true love. I am very proud of myself for making progression with my intimate relationships. Michael was off and on for four years and well, we have that one person from high school we don't cut off for awhile. Anthony was great. I really lost myself in him and I hate I did that, but he helped me build confidence in myself. He supported me and helped me view things logically. Brendan, well, of course I'm still in love so to me, right now, he's just everything I've ever wanted. I have to say it felt really nice to admire someone from afar for so long and then get what you wanted-them. I had the biggest crush on him for SO long and everyone knew, of my friends at least. I felt honored that he took up interest with me because I knew how considerate he was and how hard it was for him to open up. He has been the most emotionally supportive partner I have ever had, but I will say that he could have communicated much, much more and he even admitted that himself. He just isn't one to like to talk about things. I know at times I felt like he didn't inquire enough in my personal matters. So now that I know how loving warmth feels with also knowing what else I still yearn for, I can seek it out when the time is right; i am in no absolute rush.
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(no subject) [Apr. 17th, 2015|02:04 am]
I would be lying if I said I wasn't completely and utterly heartbroken. It feels like a piece of me died inside a little. You were my best friend and my lover and I've never loved anyone the way that I love you. For the first time in my life I felt like someone actually understood me and truly loved me back. I've grown so much with you that it scares me to let go but I know I have to. I'm afraid ill never find someone like you again. I'm so afraid...
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Corner connect [Apr. 8th, 2015|09:49 pm]
Who am I these days?
What skin am I wearing?
Whose weakness do I feel?
Surely not mine.
Why am I so lost all the time?
I'm poisoning everything ill ever love around me.
Why am I doing these things?
What is wrong with me?
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Whip it [Jan. 25th, 2015|02:30 am]

Modest mouse makes me so sad. And to think Shallow Being listened to them.

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