rosecoloredfog

i hate to admit it,
but i have you casted away
on your own island
for one.
the feelings inside me-
unexplainable
and they cast shadows of
fear, jealousy
making my third eye
always on you
my trust for you has ran dry
and i keep trying to push you
away
though i am keeping you near

i wrote this for an English assignment on my meeting with death. we were supposed to get really creative with this piece, so i hope i achieved just that.


I merged on to the interstate coming from another, I was not certain of my destination. Quitting my job without informing my mother had given me a time slot in which I needed to fill. My lack of employment was not going to remain ignorant to my mother; I just needed to plot how to tell her, that was all. Until then, all shifts under her eye had to be “worked”. I could not see straight, thanks to the huge drops of rain falling on my windshield in multiples. The sky was so dark, it appeared to one that it was evening, but it was only 3:00PM. As I was making my way into the other lane, I felt my phone vibrate on my seat. As soon as I secured my spot in the vast lane of nothing but vehicles, front to back, I disregarded my safety and checked my phone. On my hand held technological device, a text message lied from my mother, thinking of the devil. I firmly grasped the wheel as I read her message, “You’ve done it again Jessica. Just when I thought our relationship was getting better you go and lie to me. Did you not think I was going to find out? You’re a worthless piece of shit.” My phone vibrated again with another message, this time from my godmother, as my vision became impaired due to another form of moisture. “Your mother found out you quit your job because she suspected it and called your work place. I am sorry, I really tried to keep it from happening.” I did the only thing I knew best when it came to getting caught in a mousetrap I left for myself, pick up my trapped self and keep walking as if I had not been trapped. Immediately I responded to my mother’s message, and thanked her for her compliment, for I had been sent home early from work and was on my way home. “Might as well attack the beast while it’s enraged,” I thought to myself. Throwing my phone over to the passenger seat, not only could I not see to the rain, but also it was as if an inner-bucket of tears knocked itself over and poured down my face. Driving in the middle of the interstate was probably not the best of ideas, especially since my vision and soon state of mind was impaired, so I moved over to the far left lane. My mother’s reaction was like a huge meteor that hit my soul. Indeed, my mom and I had come a long way since the days of when I was in middle school and would lie purposely to her. We now, up until that moment, held a stable relationship. I had honestly never purposely lied to her until this situation arose, but her words made me feel as if this gap of honesty never existed and I was twelve years old again. My mother never let me forget how much it took for her to trust me again, and through late middle school into high school my mom imprinted an image of a worthless, broken, incompetent girl that was what I resembled to her. As I got older and time passed, I assumed this image evolved, but sometimes, especially in that moment, I felt it never left me. With age also came more awareness of just how guilty my mother was of the same thing I was caught in-lying to her own mother (my grandmother) because it was for her mother’s own good. No matter how many guilty sentences my mother could be found of, she was a saint and I was a sinner. I sat in my seat and pondered how to explain to my mother that I quite my job. Money was tight and I was a partner in the financial stability of the house, so the idea of telling my mother the truth was horrifying, not only to admit that I had been lying but to also unveil I would no longer be able to provide for my family. As all of these “what-if” moments played out in my head, the spirits of depression’s past came to sit on my shoulder, observing everything racing inside my head and out. Seeping through my body it was confirmed that this hurt, suicidal twelve-year-old girl never left, but yet was just dormant. “You know, you would not even have to utter anything if you just quit existing. You are walking through a deep, dark grey haze anyway. You are going to fall into a big black hole once again. Just do it.” My head rested against the headrest of my seat, as Depression spoke to me. I contemplated what it said, thinking just how easy it would to correct a mistake a made before; go home, upon up the medicine cabinet and…
then a firework of tire appeared and before I knew it I realized my tire blew out. “Just fucking great, totally what I needed,” I thought. I made my way to the lane, turned off my car and cried. My head hit the steering wheel, my body physically sank forward, and I literally just sobbed. I knew everything happened for a reason, or so I thought I knew, because I was asking the universe why it had to lash out on me so roughly. I did not want to put up with it anymore. For someone who had a high tolerance of physical pain, I was such a wuss for emotional pain, and I did not want to cope anymore. Thinking of whether to run out into the interstate or to call my grandmother so I could just end the sorrow later, someone knocked on my window. It startled me, for it was still dark and the rain had not gone anywhere. Standing near to my window in a black hooded sweatshirt, I knew I had nothing to lose. I mean what is next after your mom catches you in a lie and your tire blows-a stranger steals from you, right? I did not care. Pulling down my window, the stranger muttered, “Your heart is heavy and so is your tire. Which are you willing to keep?” With the rain whipping my face and his distance not so near, I was not quite sure I heard him right. “What?” I asked. “Do you want to drive home or do you want to rest here?” “It’s okay,” I responded, “my gra-“ “I need to know now. Time is something you have wasted at your discretion, and I handle waste’s products. You may not be able to see right now, but there are tons of people who wish they had your vision.” It hit like someone grasped my throat-the black uniform, the absent face…I had heard him correctly the first time, for he knew the tattoo on my back that read, “Hold your head high, heavy heart.” I looked at him again, because my human existence denied this existence in three-dimensional form, or what appeared to be. I could not see a hand or a pair of eyes or anything. The answer to my death call was in front of me. I knew literally just a minute before this I was wishing it would end, but I questioned my motives. I had not played life fair, trying to take matters of it’s time into my own hands, but I still had one tiny piece of hope left at the bottom of my empty soul, and so I looked to Death and made a promise. “I want my tire fixed and I would like to go home, but I know you leave only under certain conditions. From this day forward, if I the slightest bit of me settles on even a drop of cutting the cord to life, I am yours to take. Until then, I shall see you some other day.” I closed my eyes to blink, and I was back on the interstate driving in the rain. I gasped as if just awoken from a really bad dream; though I knew what just happened was no dream. I wiped my face of any tear residue, and confidently presided on home. The game of life just started, this time instead of being six years old playing with my grandmother, I was twenty-one years old playing with Death.

running around
i couldn't see
arms extended out in front of me
i just wanted to know,
i just wanted to feel
but yet i was so alone
picking at scars that hadn't quite healed
trapped under it's vast blanket
i tossed and turned
not knowing if i could make it
disparity had exhausted me of all happiness learned
all of a sudden, i came to a stop
the warmth entangling itself within and throughout
i breathed in gulps of air scented with hope
pupils burned of light from love
synapses struct, reminding me to believe
i'm never alone
i am always surrounded by empathy


this is a piece i have written as my writing sample for all the internships i plan on applying for. it is very amateur, so i ask for criticism please!

one thing i forgot to tell you,
was to look outside your window into the vast darkness across the horizon
up above is where i want our eyes to meet
shining brightest, it sits alone
the string to our tin-can phones
no matter where you are
or how many miles accumulate between us,
we'll connect by that radiant star
a mental sticky-note, nonetheless

with your eyes you can see
only what's in front of you
but this pair sees what's beneath
what lies ahead and right through
sometimes i catch a whirlwind of a carousel
spinning right in front of me
in the middle of all the chaos
is when it comes to meet
intangible, i hesitate to confirm, to acknowledge
though through others it takes form.
highlighting the thought-provoker,
i'm left with an empty outline
biology always makes way of interfering
so i leave the image still
but i can't escape it
because i'm afraid it's real.

i hate the idea that the older i get, the more alone i will become.
when you're young and in grade school, your network of friends is so large.
you go off to college, and half of this group falls off, and the other half are your friends.
after college, your college group breaks in half, and you're friends become that group.
then, you get married, and all your friends go away.
your significant other dies, and you're all alone.

i know it doesn't happen that way and is just a tunnel vision i'm seeing, but as i get older im starting to drop the fingers in the number of solid friendships i feel i have.

i sit here with this screen sitting in between everything i imagined you would be
no words are spoke aloud but i can't stop the screams in my head
i'll never know why you lack all the things i thought you said
i don't know why i keep running after you
i don't know why i feel i need you
all these feelings and all these dreams
when i don't even know what this means..
i'm on a constant search
your whereabouts unknown
i want you so bad it hurts
straight through my heart, down to the bone
i don't know why i keep running after you
i don't know why i feel i need you
all these feelings and all these dreams
when i don't even know what this means
i can't make you out
i can't even see
who you are, or where you might be
all i know is i need to find you
here right now, i want you with me

loving and free with arms wide open,
you try and you try
to escape your demons inside
if you tell people enough
they'll begin to listen
entrapped under your tunnel vision

i feel like i juiced myself of all the hopes and dreams i've ever had and am capable of having,
placed it in a bottle and handed it to my mother,
who then threw it up in the air and shot it with a rifle.
blasting in the air, bits and pieces of everything i once wished for,
she turns around and says "now put yourself in my shoes."

i am at a point in my life right now where i need guidance. i really, really need your help.

i know where my life is going, you've set it out very clear as far as my education is concerned, but sometimes I just need reassurance that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I get so sidetracked with other pleasures that I'm quick to dust off another path when I feel like (correct me if I'm wrong) this path I am on is where I'm supposed to be. You hit me so clearly once I realized, and I need to have little reminders here and there. That is all.
I cannot thank you enough for your enlightenment on my abilities, and how to strengthen them. i understand we all have our own gifts, and how unique they are to us. I have to admit i was in denial for a while but I can't ignore the obvious anymore.
The past two years I have flip-flopped through jobs as if they grow on trees and now I am in a position where I am struggling to find a job. Only restriction is that I am desperately looking for a job that will cater to me. I know, it is a lot to ask for, but maybe I am describing it wrong.. I just want a job where I am actually happy at. I haven't experienced an awesome job since Nashville Shores, my first couple of years. I would like to feel that way about work again. Yes, I could go across the street and actually immediately get a serving job, but who knows how long I'd stay there because I am so unhappy. I am actually trying to think ahead of myself and looking for somewhere I'll fit in well at and be happy, that way longevity is guaranteed, because I am honestly tired of working everywhere.
Lately I have been struggling with my dating life. I have been happy on my own for awhile, with moments here and there of loneliness. For some reason I have really latched on to someone like a leech...but more or less they are the leech because it has literally drained the happiness out of me. I have come to a hypothesis, if you will, of why I can't peel them off of me, and it's due to this idea of who they are, knowing they are not it. the entire situation has gotten really personal, and I start to question my future. i wonder if i will be alone forever. will i be the crazy cat lady? honestly if that's what you have in my life plan, i could no complain, i honestly would be happy, it's just the horrible connotation connected to it. it's just frustrating dealing with assumptions. Everyone assumes I have to be dating someone. Is it because of my age? There is this ideal time in every girl's mind of when she needs to get married, have kids, etc. I don't like fitting molds as is so how do I know if it's even in the books for me to get married? Why am I trying to live out these false hoped fantasies when I don't even know if that's what I'm going to want down the line? I can't tell if it's someone I'm missing in my life, or if it's just plain ole passion that has completely vanished from my existence. which leads into this...
More so than ever I have been feeling completely out of it for two months, going on three. I am pessimistic, negative, and completely and utterly unhappy. At times it is a very overwhelming feeling. Its apparent that I need change, but honestly I don't know what to change, and everything that comes to mind isn't possible at the moment. I only hope that "it's just a phase, it will be over soon" but I am just drained. I need your strength, your love to flow through me. I need your guidance, and your arms because I sure do need a hug.

sincerely,
jessica